Sunday night’s lopsided 43-8 result in Super Bowl XLVIII between the victorious Seattle Seahawks and the Denver Broncos has brought out conspiracy theorists who believe the game is rigged.
Others who may not have believed that Super Bowl XLVIII was fixed or rigged may have had their minds changed by Huzlers, a website with an Onion-like penchant for satire. Huzlers recently posted a “breaking” story with the headline “Super Bowl XLVIII Believed to Have Been Rigged and Currently Under Investigation by NFL.”
The story claimed NFL officials “just found clues that might prove the game was rigged. Officials believe the Broncos intentionally lost the championship in exchange for a large amount of money.” The fake report goes on to say that Super Bowl referee Terry McAulay overheard Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning asking Seahawks coach Pete Carroll, “When are you going to pay up?”
But there is no actual evidence that the game was fixed or rigged. If you scroll further down in the article, Huzlers identifies itself as “a combination of real shocking news and satire news to keep its visitors in a state of disbelief.”
The Super Bowl-is-rigged story falls into the satire category. There are no other reports suggesting that Super Bowl XLVIII, the first time the big game was played outdoors in a cold-weather city, was fixed.
But conspiracy theorists were out in full force trying to prove that the 2014 Super Bowl was staged. Yahoo user . . .
An examination of some questionable events and circumstances leading up to the destruction of the Death Star, through the eyes of an amateur investigative journalist within the Star Wars galaxy. The focus is mainly on the connections between the people who created and operated the Death Star and those responsible for destroying it.
Photographs of the lunar surface taken while the ‘Jade Rabbit’ probe was in orbit and further investigations on the ground have now been analysed and show that areas where US landings were thought to have taken place reveal a surface untouched by man, and no sign of any golf activity whatsoever.
‘They were never there at all,’ said baffled Chinese Foreign Minster, Wang Yi, ‘All those conspiracy theories about Americans making stuff up to make themselves look good turn out to be true. And we would never have known if it weren’t for the glorious People’s Lunar probe of China re-writing history and putting the record straight.’
The findings were even more disappointing for the scientists who created the probe. They had equipped Jade Rabbit with special cutting tools for shredding any American flags it found and replacing them with China’s own. Special legs were also fitted so that the rover could sidle up to remnants of any American spacecraft and kick it and kick it and kick it in the most contemptuous manner possible.
‘We thought, well, what were they going to do, they’d have to send a mission to go back and replant them, surely?’ Mr Yi added. ‘Our policy was simple: all they would have to do was ask us to lend them the money to do it. And then we’d say no. Ha ha ha ha ha! Pig dogs! It’s such a shame that we won’t now get the chance to HUMILIATE them again.’
The Chinese lunar programme is set to accelerate, Mr Yi confirmed. ‘We are building a space centre in the Gobi desert, with a mission control room, astronaut training and a massive sound stage made to look like the moon from where our fake landing will be broadcast to the world in 2016,’ he stated, completely oblivious to the fact that he may have given too much away and will probably be shot in the morning.
Note: The above story is a spoof. – MIB
JEWISH CABAL HEADQUARTERS, JERUSALEM — Saying that they never intended to behave quite so mercilessly, several prominent architects of the global Jewish conspiracy aired their concerns Thursday that they perhaps came down a little too hard on local man Jeff Crawford yesterday.
The Zionist leaders within the international political, banking, and entertainment spheres who together dictate the world’s economy, media, and political structures told reporters that they regretted wielding their enormous influence in order to hinder the unemployed 42-year-old roofer at every turn throughout Wednesday, agreeing that their combined efforts to systematically impede the non-Jewish man’s financial stability, happiness, and general well-being were “a bit much.”
“While it is generally in our best interest to frustrate hardworking Anglo-Saxon Protestants like Jeff at every turn with our extreme wealth and power, I think we definitely went a little overboard on the guy yesterday,” financier Julian Rothschild told reporters from deep within the Semitic cabal’s secret underground headquarters five miles beneath Jerusalem. “Sometimes you just get so caught up in the fervor of working with every Jewish man, woman, and child to prevent the world’s gentiles from ever achieving success that you take things a little too far, and that’s exactly what happened with Jeff yesterday.”
“Everyone feels just awful about it,” Rothschild added.
As characterized by numerous organizers of the massive conspiracy—including Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, banker Paul Warburg III, and Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke—Wednesday’s attacks on Crawford were “a bit unfair” to the father of three and lifelong Methodist. Specifically, the conspirators pointed to instances yesterday in which Crawford was fired from a contracting job, had the interest rate on his mortgage raised, and was given false traffic updates by a Jewish-owned radio station, calling these episodes gratuitous and “way over the top, even for us.”
Moreover, members expressed contrition over having ensured that Crawford’s recent loan application with Citibank was rejected yesterday, saying that, other than not being born of the Chosen People, Crawford had done nothing to deserve such harsh persecution.
“We were originally just going to raise the cost of his health care premiums and maybe mess with his credit score a little, but things quickly spiraled out of control,” said noted Elder of Zion Abraham Meyersicht, 102, saying that yesterday’s abuses were all the more excessive in light of the fact that Hollywood’s Jewish overseers had canceled Crawford’s favorite television show earlier this year. “And that thing where we had the police pull him over and give him a huge ticket after we sent a guy to knock out one of his taillights was just adding insult to injury.”
By Kim Z Dale via Listing Toward Forty – chicagonow.com
Top secret documents leaked by former contractor Edward Let-It-Snowden reveal a previously unknown NSA program code-named SANTA (Securing America’s Noel Toy Allotment). A key component of the SANTA program is the use of hidden recording and transmitting devices in Elf on the Shelf dolls. The Elf on the Shelf dolls allow the NSA to secretly monitor citizens from inside their own homes.
Via the SANTA program the NSA has been able to collect highly personal data about millions of America’s children, including but not limited to
Additionally, the children are asked to name each Elf on the Shelf, which serves as a subversive psychological exam. Although the details of the NSA’s criteria are not fully known, examples in the leaked documents indicate that naming an Elf on the Shelf “Bob” or “George Washington” or “Eagle” results in a rating of “nice.” Naming an Elf on the Shelf “Osama” or “Saddam” or “Death to America” will result in a household being flagged as “naughty” likely leading to a drone strike.
Since the program has become public many have criticized SANTA’s spying as a violation of civil liberties, an example of unlawful monitoring, and a gross abuse of power. Others, however, feel the scope of the SANTA program is too limited.
“The biggest weakness of SANTA is that it only monitors families who celebrate Christmas,” said one Republican lawmaker. “It turns out a lot of people don’t even celebrate Christmas. At all. Can you imagine? Those are the people we should be watching.”
The best way to avoid being monitored is to boycott the Elf on the Shelf product. If, however, you already have an Elf on the Shelf in your home you can wrap it in aluminum foil to prevent it from transmitting data to SANTA.
By Mason I. Bilderberg
Are you looking to impress a love interest who happens to be neck deep into everything woo?
Are you at a loss finding the right words that speak to their chakras?
Well Stinky, this is your lucky day!!!
Hop on over to the Random Deepak Chopra Quote Generator – Wisdom of Chopra.
With the click of your mouse you will receive a very special message of woo courtesy of Deepak inspired words being randomly strung together. Even though you’ll recognize the Wisdom of Chopra message as meaningless mind-numbing ramblings from the crazy house, your higher consciousness love interest will be so totally impressed with your new found soul-penetrating revelations that the two of you will be energizing each others deeper universe before you can say “An inch of surprise leads to a mile of gratefulness.”
So hone your chakra chops now, go to Wisdom of Chopra.
Mason I. Bilderberg (MIB)
Here is your assignment for the day . . . be sure to read and sign the linked petition below to help increase the use of chemtrail spraying.
Excerpt from the petition:
Gentlemen and Lizard People,
We concerned citizens have noticed an increase in anti-chemtrail protests online and in the streets. Clearly your mind control is not working to its full potential, many of the sheeple have awakened. Therefore we request that you step up chemtrail spraying efforts at once, to bring them back into line. We know you will take this request seriously, because secret unaccountable governments are always highly swayed by online petitions.
The People for More Chemtrails
Remember, it’s of the utmost importance that we, the iLLumiNuTTi, maintain control of the world. The best way to do this is to promote and maintain a docile, compliant populace using the airborne spraying of mind numbing, chemical agents.
In furtherance of our agenda … Please read and sign this petition!
Mason I. Bilderberg (MIB)
P.S. If you’re new to our organization and would like more information before signing this petition, please watch the Illumicorp Video Training Course.
It’s been a week now since the part of the federal government shut down due to lack of funding because Congress can not agree on a budget.
Since much of the government has been shut down due to funding there is a question I have for conspiracy theorists: Who is paying the shills?
Now according to many conspiracy theorists shills are apparently anyone who goes around the internet spreads what they consider to be “dis-information” to discredit their conspiracy theories (which for some reason is often times backed up with facts and logic).
Basically, skeptics and debunkers (those people claim to be volunteering their time to debunk conspiracy theories on the internet, but according to many conspiracy theorists, are being paid by the government to spread dis-information, and who’s only “evidence” they have to prove that they are shills is simply that they disagree with the conspiracy theorist).
So if the government is shut down, then why do shills like myself (according to conspiracy theorists) still have their sites up, and are still posting blog articles debunking conspiracy theories?
Baton Rouge, LA-When investigators climbed from out of the smoldering debris that was the home of Hank Thomas, the looks on their faces told the gathering crowd what these hardened veterans of the Baton Rouge Fire Department couldn’t put into words. Thomas, a yoga instructor and avid fisherman who had lived in Baton Rouge his entire life, had exploded. And as the grisly details slowly emerge, people are asking questions about what might be to blame and how they can prevent being the next Baton Rougian to erupt into a massive fireball of body parts and Tony Chachere’s Creole Seasoning.
Some local medical professionals have proposed a controversial theory. Based on reports that Thomas has undergone acupuncture treatments for sciatica several times in the weeks preceding his untimely fulmination, a group of local experts are speaking out. They are warning the community to beware of discount acupuncture clinics.
“We aren’t saying that every incidence of spontaneous human combustion is linked to the incorrect placement of acupuncture needles,” Kuang Zhu LAC, Chief of Pragmatic Acupuncture in the Health and Wellness division of Vic’s Day Spa and Pet Grooming Center, explained during a recent press conference. “But in some cases, there is a relationship that is hard to explain otherwise.”
Zhu, a legally licensed acupuncturist in Baton Rouge, Louisiana for over thirty years and founder of the “Know Your Needler!” campaign, is reaching out to the Baton Rouge community because of concerns that there are patients seeking care from unlicensed and poorly trained practitioners that don’t charge as much per session. “These rogue needle-wielding impersonators don’t fully grasp the power of acupuncture, acupressure, sonopuncture, electroacupuncture, cold laser therapy, or any of the other ancient techniques of stimulating specific acupoints. With great ability to heal, comes an equal ability to harm.”
Acupuncture, a component of Traditional Chinese Medicine developed sometime in the past 5,000 years, involves the insertion of small needles into specific points on the body in order to improve the flow of life energy or Qi. These points are found along meridians, major pathways in the body through which our life energy courses that are different from blood vessels, nerves and lymphatics in that Western science has been unable to locate them during anatomical investigation or with modern imaging techniques. When Qi is obstructed, it becomes stagnant and illness develops. Properly placed needles relieve this obstruction and improve our health in a number of ways. Needles placed haphazardly can, according to Zhu, lead to further obstruction, a worsening of one’s health, and perhaps even a fiery death.
Zhu states that the phenomenon of injury by inappropriate acupuncture is not new. He has seen countless milder cases over his three decades of practice in the United States. But the worst occurred during his childhood in China. “Neighborhood gangs and even local police forces would use purposefully incorrect acupuncture as punishment or as an interrogation enhancer,” Zhu revealed. “Once I saw a body with the hao zhen needles still inserted in acupoints I did not even know existed. Oh, the disharmony! My childhood ended that day. I’ve heard that the American military is even using acupuncture on the battlefield now.”
But not every local acupuncturist supports Zhu’s theory that excessive and erroneous needle placement is to blame for unexplained explosions of American citizens. Frank Grimes, a Baton Rouge chiropractor who incorporates acupuncture into his armamentarium of healing modalities, reminds us that correlation doesn’t always equal causation. “Yes, some of the remaining body parts have been found with needles still in them,” He admits. “But my concern is that linking acupuncture to spontaneous human combustion is akin to the claim that chiropractic manipulation of the neck causes strokes. Perhaps people who are already about to explode seek out acupuncture for symptomatic relief.”
At the heart of this issue for Zhu and his colleagues is the health of their community. He admits that acupuncture-induced detonation is likely rare despite the recent occurrence, and that most people who receive acupuncture from improperly trained practitioners will at most only experience mild stagnation of Qi.