After years of riling up the most vulnerable, desperate, and at times tin foil hat wearing and paranoid contingents in the world, Mike Adams finally comes clean.
“I’ve been making this shit up as I go. How the fuck didn’t anybody catch it?”
Adams’ wild claims about everything from vaccines being a holocaust, vaccines being a government scam, chemicals making your kids gay, or claiming that honey and water makes a great mouthwash? He’s finally admitted that he was just yanking yer’ goat.
“I started the website out as a joke, you know? Nobody could have believed all of that. I mean just look at the atrocious grammar, the videos comparing a chicken nugget to an alien landscape, my insane self-written profile, the goddamn articles themselves. It reads like satire. I mean, nobody could possibly have the cognitive dissonance to run a business like this, not publicly cite any sources, and think they have a shred of credibility, right? I’ve been pulling this whole thing off brilliantly for years.”
Adams smiles when he thinks back over his long and storied career as an organic, alternative health crusader.
5 Possible Answers From Science
The early 21st-century has seen a remarkable intensification in feline ownership. These animals are no longer casual bystanders in our eco-systems. They have passed that tipping point to become a global environmental phenomenon. Crossing boundaries of class, race and geography, it could be said that the cat population now has the entire planet under its ever-watchful gaze. This surge has a peculiar overlap with the introduction of Chemtrails in our skies, which has also occurred in the last 16 to 20 years.
While there is much debate about the intention of Chemtrails — with hypotheses ranging from aerial defense and depopulation to a broad plot to cripple Christianity — it’s clear that these dangerous pollutants are causing countless health problems for everyday people. In turn, these biological problems (including fatigue, asthma, skin rashes, hemorrhagic fever and immune system failure) have been witnessed in various animal populations, including domesticated dogs.
Cats, curiously enough, appear to be completely immune to this urgent medical crisis. In fact, studies show that today’s cats are healthier now than ever. This is a perplexing proposition, particularly when you consider that cats occupy the same spaces as human beings and that many are indoor and outdoor animals. Their exposure to Chemtrail-laced air is certainly equivalent to that of people. Further complicating the issue, cats seem uniquely attuned to Chemtrail clouds and take a surreal interest in following the planes pass through the skies. Many pet owners have chanced upon their felines studying these ferocious feats of geoengineering with a countenance that some would venture to describe as bemused or delighted.
So why might the cat population be immune?
1. Thick fur, padded feet and a skin rich in glycoproteins and saliva provide protection
The dense coats of fur that provide cats sleeping comfort and warmth during the cold might naturally play a role in their Chemtrails impregnability. The animals are also well-known for thorough grooming rituals, which include covering their entire bodies with a saliva rich in unique proteins that have been formed through posttranslational modification. Posttranslational modification has been noted by scientists as a calculated defense against infections caused by foreign substances, such as barium, sulfur, aluminum, cadmium. These four elements also happen to be the most commonly suspected components of Chemtrails.
2. Consumption of Chemtrails-poisoned birds has helped them develop immunity
Of all the creatures in the animal kingdom, avian species have the most immediate contact with Chemtrail sprays. Numerous reports have noted that certain species are dying off in a Silent Spring-type of scenario. As felines consume a great deal of birds, it would only stand to reason that they would be exposed to the post-digestive acids of these pollutants. As such, there is a great possibility that eating so many colonic acids would help their own immune systems adapt to the poisons. This is not the case for humans, however, as most of the chicken and duck that we eat is from the farm and not exposed to higher altitude air.
Just hang in until the 1:15 minute mark. You WON’T be disappointed. Trust me.
We partnered with “Weird Al” to create this music video for his new album, “Mandatory Fun.” Also featuring Patton Oswalt, Tom Lennon, and Robert Ben Garant.
“Weird Al” Yankovic’s new album Mandatory Fun out now: http://smarturl.it/MandatoryFun
Scientists often take an epidemiological approach to a phenomenon to discover clues about its cause and nature. This is not limited to medical diseases, the basic concept can apply to any episodic event.
Take UFO sightings – the phenomenon in question is people reporting that they saw something unidentified in the sky. We can generate some basic hypotheses about factors that might influence UFO sightings: the presence of objects to be observed, viewing conditions, number of people available to make observations, and priming (the idea of UFOs in the culture, say following a movie about UFOs or a case reported in the media).
As reported by The Economist, the National UFO Reporting Center has released statistics on UFO sightings by state and by time of day. The Economist has conveniently placed this data in an infographic, depicted right. They helpfully labeled the three periods of the day as working hours, drinking hours, and sleeping hours. As you can see, UFO reports peak during the drinking hours.
I am going to assume the article is tongue-in-cheek, but it is being spread around social media, sometimes in a manner that seems credulous.
I don’t doubt the data itself, but the labeling of the chart amounts to begging the question – calling the evening hours the “drinking hours” makes certain assumptions about cause and effect. A far simpler explanation for the peak of sightings in the evening is that night-time conditions are more conducive to seeing unidentified lights in the sky, and people are still awake.
The article cheekily states that aliens don’t disturb us while we sleep (don’t tell that to people who experience hypnagogia and interpret the experience as an alien abduction), but obviously people are simply not in a position to make observations while they sleep.
Therefore we don’t need to invoke alcohol consumption at all to explain the pattern seen in this data.
There are, however, patterns in the UFO data that . . .
Authorities in Portland, Ore. have discovered detectable levels of gluten in the city’s water supply, causing a citywide panic.
The city’s water bureau discovered the contamination yesterday and is desperately trying to find out how gluten got into the water. A preliminary report found that the contamination may have occurred “at least eight or nine months ago” when a child dropped a loaf of bread into a local river.
Officials have declared a state of emergency and plan to drain all of the city’s reservoirs. The mayor has also deployed city’s spiritual and wellness counselors to provide relief to beleaguered residents who drank the gluten-contaminated water.
“I haven’t seen anything like this since the Tofu Crisis of ‘08, when we discovered that the Pacific Northwest’s entire supply of tofu had been prepared alongside bacon,” said city engineer Bryce Shivers. “I imagine we’re going to be seeing the disastrous effects of this on the city for decades, like higher rates of obesity, cancer, brain damage and illiteracy.
“Or whatever it is that gluten does. Frankly, I have no idea. My Hot Yoga guru just gave me a brochure.”
Conspiracy Theorists Cite Onion-Like Article As Proof 2014 Game Was Fixed
Sunday night’s lopsided 43-8 result in Super Bowl XLVIII between the victorious Seattle Seahawks and the Denver Broncos has brought out conspiracy theorists who believe the game is rigged.
Others who may not have believed that Super Bowl XLVIII was fixed or rigged may have had their minds changed by Huzlers, a website with an Onion-like penchant for satire. Huzlers recently posted a “breaking” story with the headline “Super Bowl XLVIII Believed to Have Been Rigged and Currently Under Investigation by NFL.”
The story claimed NFL officials “just found clues that might prove the game was rigged. Officials believe the Broncos intentionally lost the championship in exchange for a large amount of money.” The fake report goes on to say that Super Bowl referee Terry McAulay overheard Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning asking Seahawks coach Pete Carroll, “When are you going to pay up?”
But there is no actual evidence that the game was fixed or rigged. If you scroll further down in the article, Huzlers identifies itself as “a combination of real shocking news and satire news to keep its visitors in a state of disbelief.”
The Super Bowl-is-rigged story falls into the satire category. There are no other reports suggesting that Super Bowl XLVIII, the first time the big game was played outdoors in a cold-weather city, was fixed.
But conspiracy theorists were out in full force trying to prove that the 2014 Super Bowl was staged. Yahoo user . . .
An examination of some questionable events and circumstances leading up to the destruction of the Death Star, through the eyes of an amateur investigative journalist within the Star Wars galaxy. The focus is mainly on the connections between the people who created and operated the Death Star and those responsible for destroying it.
- Death Star 9/11 Conspiracy: Inside Job (satirical) (topinfopost.com)
- The Lego Death Star – Coolest Christmas Toy Ever (meetthemagic.com)
- How one conspiracy theorist decided to stop being such an unmitigated moron [Interesting] (fark.com)
Photographs of the lunar surface taken while the ‘Jade Rabbit’ probe was in orbit and further investigations on the ground have now been analysed and show that areas where US landings were thought to have taken place reveal a surface untouched by man, and no sign of any golf activity whatsoever.
‘They were never there at all,’ said baffled Chinese Foreign Minster, Wang Yi, ‘All those conspiracy theories about Americans making stuff up to make themselves look good turn out to be true. And we would never have known if it weren’t for the glorious People’s Lunar probe of China re-writing history and putting the record straight.’
The findings were even more disappointing for the scientists who created the probe. They had equipped Jade Rabbit with special cutting tools for shredding any American flags it found and replacing them with China’s own. Special legs were also fitted so that the rover could sidle up to remnants of any American spacecraft and kick it and kick it and kick it in the most contemptuous manner possible.
‘We thought, well, what were they going to do, they’d have to send a mission to go back and replant them, surely?’ Mr Yi added. ‘Our policy was simple: all they would have to do was ask us to lend them the money to do it. And then we’d say no. Ha ha ha ha ha! Pig dogs! It’s such a shame that we won’t now get the chance to HUMILIATE them again.’
The Chinese lunar programme is set to accelerate, Mr Yi confirmed. ‘We are building a space centre in the Gobi desert, with a mission control room, astronaut training and a massive sound stage made to look like the moon from where our fake landing will be broadcast to the world in 2016,’ he stated, completely oblivious to the fact that he may have given too much away and will probably be shot in the morning.
Note: The above story is a spoof. – MIB :)
- Chinese lunar rover finds no evidence of American moon landings (onesoulmanyfacesbook.wordpress.com)
- Chinese lunar rover finds no evidence of American moon landings (talesfromthelou.wordpress.com)
- China Lands Unmanned Jade Rabbit Rover on Moon (guardianlv.com)
- YUTU Moon Rover images WARNING Comet ISON (disclose.tv)
- Chinese sci-fi writers laud moon landing (spacedaily.com)
- Chinese spacecraft lands on moon (theguardian.com)
JEWISH CABAL HEADQUARTERS, JERUSALEM — Saying that they never intended to behave quite so mercilessly, several prominent architects of the global Jewish conspiracy aired their concerns Thursday that they perhaps came down a little too hard on local man Jeff Crawford yesterday.
The Zionist leaders within the international political, banking, and entertainment spheres who together dictate the world’s economy, media, and political structures told reporters that they regretted wielding their enormous influence in order to hinder the unemployed 42-year-old roofer at every turn throughout Wednesday, agreeing that their combined efforts to systematically impede the non-Jewish man’s financial stability, happiness, and general well-being were “a bit much.”
“While it is generally in our best interest to frustrate hardworking Anglo-Saxon Protestants like Jeff at every turn with our extreme wealth and power, I think we definitely went a little overboard on the guy yesterday,” financier Julian Rothschild told reporters from deep within the Semitic cabal’s secret underground headquarters five miles beneath Jerusalem. “Sometimes you just get so caught up in the fervor of working with every Jewish man, woman, and child to prevent the world’s gentiles from ever achieving success that you take things a little too far, and that’s exactly what happened with Jeff yesterday.”
“Everyone feels just awful about it,” Rothschild added.
As characterized by numerous organizers of the massive conspiracy—including Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, banker Paul Warburg III, and Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke—Wednesday’s attacks on Crawford were “a bit unfair” to the father of three and lifelong Methodist. Specifically, the conspirators pointed to instances yesterday in which Crawford was fired from a contracting job, had the interest rate on his mortgage raised, and was given false traffic updates by a Jewish-owned radio station, calling these episodes gratuitous and “way over the top, even for us.”
Moreover, members expressed contrition over having ensured that Crawford’s recent loan application with Citibank was rejected yesterday, saying that, other than not being born of the Chosen People, Crawford had done nothing to deserve such harsh persecution.
“We were originally just going to raise the cost of his health care premiums and maybe mess with his credit score a little, but things quickly spiraled out of control,” said noted Elder of Zion Abraham Meyersicht, 102, saying that yesterday’s abuses were all the more excessive in light of the fact that Hollywood’s Jewish overseers had canceled Crawford’s favorite television show earlier this year. “And that thing where we had the police pull him over and give him a huge ticket after we sent a guy to knock out one of his taillights was just adding insult to injury.”
- Worldwide Jewish Conspiracy Worried It Came Down Too Hard On Jeff Yesterday (theonion.com)
- Conspiracy Expert Claims Those Claiming There’s A Jewish Conspiracy Are Themselves The Conspiracy (variouspontifications.com)
- Iran’s Press TV Claims American Jews Are “Incubating Another Hitler” (adl.org)
- “The World Cup Is Jewish Conspiracy” (elderofziyon.blogspot.com)
Here is your assignment for the day . . . be sure to read and sign the linked petition below to help increase the use of chemtrail spraying.
Excerpt from the petition:
Gentlemen and Lizard People,
We concerned citizens have noticed an increase in anti-chemtrail protests online and in the streets. Clearly your mind control is not working to its full potential, many of the sheeple have awakened. Therefore we request that you step up chemtrail spraying efforts at once, to bring them back into line. We know you will take this request seriously, because secret unaccountable governments are always highly swayed by online petitions.
The People for More Chemtrails
Remember, it’s of the utmost importance that we, the iLLumiNuTTi, maintain control of the world. The best way to do this is to promote and maintain a docile, compliant populace using the airborne spraying of mind numbing, chemical agents.
In furtherance of our agenda … Please read and sign this petition!
Mason I. Bilderberg (MIB)
P.S. If you’re new to our organization and would like more information before signing this petition, please watch the Illumicorp Video Training Course.
It’s been a week now since the part of the federal government shut down due to lack of funding because Congress can not agree on a budget.
Since much of the government has been shut down due to funding there is a question I have for conspiracy theorists: Who is paying the shills?
Now according to many conspiracy theorists shills are apparently anyone who goes around the internet spreads what they consider to be “dis-information” to discredit their conspiracy theories (which for some reason is often times backed up with facts and logic).
Basically, skeptics and debunkers (those people claim to be volunteering their time to debunk conspiracy theories on the internet, but according to many conspiracy theorists, are being paid by the government to spread dis-information, and who’s only “evidence” they have to prove that they are shills is simply that they disagree with the conspiracy theorist).
So if the government is shut down, then why do shills like myself (according to conspiracy theorists) still have their sites up, and are still posting blog articles debunking conspiracy theories?
- Why do people lie about their belief in a Conspiracy Theory? (illuminutti.com)
- 5 Things I’ve noticed about… Bizarre Conspiracy Theories (illuminutti.com)
- How “The Matrix” inspired Conspiracy Theorists (and Vice-Verse) (illuminutti.com)
- 5 Conspiracy Theories that would be easy to prove (illuminutti.com)
- 6 Conspiracy theories that make people paranoid (illuminutti.com)
- 5 Things I’ve noticed about… 9/11 Conspiracy Theories (illuminutti.com)
- Charlie Veitch, the 9/11 Conspiracy Theorist Who Realized He Was Duped (illuminutti.com)
- Should we hire shills to get the word out on valid conspiracy theories? (lunaticoutpost.com)
- WTF is a shill and who the hell would pay them? (lunaticoutpost.com)
- Great article on shills…check it out! (lunaticoutpost.com)
Baton Rouge, LA-When investigators climbed from out of the smoldering debris that was the home of Hank Thomas, the looks on their faces told the gathering crowd what these hardened veterans of the Baton Rouge Fire Department couldn’t put into words. Thomas, a yoga instructor and avid fisherman who had lived in Baton Rouge his entire life, had exploded. And as the grisly details slowly emerge, people are asking questions about what might be to blame and how they can prevent being the next Baton Rougian to erupt into a massive fireball of body parts and Tony Chachere’s Creole Seasoning.
Some local medical professionals have proposed a controversial theory. Based on reports that Thomas has undergone acupuncture treatments for sciatica several times in the weeks preceding his untimely fulmination, a group of local experts are speaking out. They are warning the community to beware of discount acupuncture clinics.
“We aren’t saying that every incidence of spontaneous human combustion is linked to the incorrect placement of acupuncture needles,” Kuang Zhu LAC, Chief of Pragmatic Acupuncture in the Health and Wellness division of Vic’s Day Spa and Pet Grooming Center, explained during a recent press conference. “But in some cases, there is a relationship that is hard to explain otherwise.”
Zhu, a legally licensed acupuncturist in Baton Rouge, Louisiana for over thirty years and founder of the “Know Your Needler!” campaign, is reaching out to the Baton Rouge community because of concerns that there are patients seeking care from unlicensed and poorly trained practitioners that don’t charge as much per session. “These rogue needle-wielding impersonators don’t fully grasp the power of acupuncture, acupressure, sonopuncture, electroacupuncture, cold laser therapy, or any of the other ancient techniques of stimulating specific acupoints. With great ability to heal, comes an equal ability to harm.”
Acupuncture, a component of Traditional Chinese Medicine developed sometime in the past 5,000 years, involves the insertion of small needles into specific points on the body in order to improve the flow of life energy or Qi. These points are found along meridians, major pathways in the body through which our life energy courses that are different from blood vessels, nerves and lymphatics in that Western science has been unable to locate them during anatomical investigation or with modern imaging techniques. When Qi is obstructed, it becomes stagnant and illness develops. Properly placed needles relieve this obstruction and improve our health in a number of ways. Needles placed haphazardly can, according to Zhu, lead to further obstruction, a worsening of one’s health, and perhaps even a fiery death.
Zhu states that the phenomenon of injury by inappropriate acupuncture is not new. He has seen countless milder cases over his three decades of practice in the United States. But the worst occurred during his childhood in China. “Neighborhood gangs and even local police forces would use purposefully incorrect acupuncture as punishment or as an interrogation enhancer,” Zhu revealed. “Once I saw a body with the hao zhen needles still inserted in acupoints I did not even know existed. Oh, the disharmony! My childhood ended that day. I’ve heard that the American military is even using acupuncture on the battlefield now.”
But not every local acupuncturist supports Zhu’s theory that excessive and erroneous needle placement is to blame for unexplained explosions of American citizens. Frank Grimes, a Baton Rouge chiropractor who incorporates acupuncture into his armamentarium of healing modalities, reminds us that correlation doesn’t always equal causation. “Yes, some of the remaining body parts have been found with needles still in them,” He admits. “But my concern is that linking acupuncture to spontaneous human combustion is akin to the claim that chiropractic manipulation of the neck causes strokes. Perhaps people who are already about to explode seek out acupuncture for symptomatic relief.”
At the heart of this issue for Zhu and his colleagues is the health of their community. He admits that acupuncture-induced detonation is likely rare despite the recent occurrence, and that most people who receive acupuncture from improperly trained practitioners will at most only experience mild stagnation of Qi.
- Improperly Performed Acupuncture Linked to Spontaneous Human Combustion (sciencebasedmedicine.org)
- Acupuncture as a migraine cure? (themigrainehelp.wordpress.com)
- Indian baby catches on fire – Spontaneous combustion or abuse? (doubtfulnews.com)