Category Archives: Comedy

Last Week Tonight with John Oliver: Scientific Studies (HBO)

Chemtrail Protest

chemtrail protest_550px

Conspiracy Theorist As A Child

conspiracy theorist connect the dots

Last Week Tonight with John Oliver: Conspiracies

Mitchell & Webb – Conspiracy Theories.

The Conspirators: Chemtrails

By Skeptoid Media via YouTube

The New World Order conspirators discuss their “chemtrails” plan to dumb down the population by spraying aerial drugs from airliners.

Conspiracists’ Powers Combined! (meme)

Click image for larger view

Click image for larger view

Flat Earth Society meme

Source: (99) ILLuminutti – ILLuminutti added a new photo.

Conspiracist Meme

Enjoy🙂

 

CONSPIRACIST 500px

Mike Adams Stunning Confession: “You Guys Didn’t Know Natural News Was Satire?”

After years of riling up the most vulnerable, desperate, and at times tin foil hat wearing and paranoid contingents in the world, Mike Adams finally comes clean.

“I’ve been making this shit up as I go. How the fuck didn’t anybody catch it?”

Adams’ wild claims about everything from vaccines being a holocaustvaccines being a government scam, chemicals making your kids gay, or claiming that honey and water makes a great mouthwash? He’s finally admitted that he was just yanking yer’ goat.

“I started the website out as a joke, you know? Nobody could have believed all of that. I mean just look at the atrocious grammar, the videos comparing a chicken nugget to an alien landscapemy insane self-written profile, the goddamn articles themselves. It reads like satire. I mean, nobody could possibly have the cognitive dissonance to run a business like this, not publicly cite any sources, and think they have a shred of credibility, right? I’ve been pulling this whole thing off brilliantly for years.”

Adams smiles when he thinks back over his long and storied career as an organic, alternative health crusader.

Continue Reading @ SciBabe – – –

Surviving Whole Foods

Kelly MacLeanBy via huffingtonpost

Whole Foods is like Vegas. You go there to feel good but you leave broke, disoriented, and with the newfound knowledge that you have a vaginal disease.

Unlike Vegas, Whole Foods’ clientele are all about mindfulness and compassion… until they get to the parking lot. Then it’s war. As I pull up this morning, I see a pregnant lady on the crosswalk holding a baby and groceries. This driver swerves around her and honks. As he speeds off I catch his bumper sticker, which says ‘NAMASTE’. Poor lady didn’t even hear him approaching because he was driving a Prius. He crept up on her like a panther.

homeless whole foodsAs the great, sliding glass doors part I am immediately smacked in the face by a wall of cool, moist air that smells of strawberries and orchids. I leave behind the concrete jungle and enter a cornucopia of organic bliss; the land of hemp milk and honey. Seriously, think about Heaven and then think about Whole Foods; they’re basically the same.

The first thing I see is the great wall of kombucha — 42 different kinds of rotten tea. Fun fact: the word kombucha is Japanese for ‘I gizzed in your tea.’ Anyone who’s ever swallowed the glob of mucus at the end of the bottle knows exactly what I’m talking about. I believe this thing is called “The Mother,” which makes it that much creepier.

Next I see the gluten-free section filled with crackers and bread made from various wheat-substitutes such as cardboard and sawdust. I skip this aisle because I’m not rich enough to have dietary restrictions. Ever notice that you don’t meet poor people with special diet needs? A gluten intolerant house cleaner? A cab driver with Candida? Candida is what I call a rich, white person problem. You know you’ve really made it in this world when you get Candida. My personal theory is that Candida is something you get from too much hot yoga. All I’m saying is if I were a yeast, I would want to live in your yoga pants.

Next I approach the beauty aisle. There is a scary looking machine there that you put your face inside of and it tells you exactly how ugly you are.

Continue Reading at huffingtonpost – – –


Merry Christmas!

UFO Santa

World of Batshit – #5: Space Denial

I love the “World of Batshit” series. This one is about people who deny the existence of space (wtf?).

Enjoy🙂


By CoolHardLogic via YouTube

Part five in a series examining some of the most ridiculous claims. In this part, we look at a channel claiming (among other things) that space don’t exist.

Why Are Cats Immune to Chemtrails?

5 Possible Answers From Science

by Henricus Institor via HardDawn.com

Why do cats seem uniquely Chemtrail-aware?

Why do cats seem uniquely Chemtrail-aware?

The early 21st-century has seen a remarkable intensification in feline ownership. These animals are no longer casual bystanders in our eco-systems. They have passed that tipping point to become a global environmental phenomenon. Crossing boundaries of class, race and geography, it could be said that the cat population now has the entire planet under its ever-watchful gaze. This surge has a peculiar overlap with the introduction of Chemtrails in our skies, which has also occurred in the last 16 to 20 years.

While there is much debate about the intention of Chemtrails — with hypotheses ranging from aerial defense and depopulation to a broad plot to cripple Christianity — it’s clear that these dangerous pollutants are causing countless health problems for everyday people. In turn, these biological problems (including fatigue, asthma, skin rashes, hemorrhagic fever and immune system failure) have been witnessed in various animal populations, including domesticated dogs.

Cats, curiously enough, appear to be completely immune to this urgent medical crisis. In fact, studies show that today’s cats are healthier now than ever. This is a perplexing proposition, particularly when you consider that cats occupy the same spaces as human beings and that many are indoor and outdoor animals. Their exposure to Chemtrail-laced air is certainly equivalent to that of people. Further complicating the issue, cats seem uniquely attuned to Chemtrail clouds and take a surreal interest in following the planes pass through the skies. Many pet owners have chanced upon their felines studying these ferocious feats of geoengineering with a countenance that some would venture to describe as bemused or delighted.

cats vs chemtrails 03

The propagation of Chemtrails overlaps with skyrocketing rates of cat ownership.

So why might the cat population be immune?

1. Thick fur, padded feet and a skin rich in glycoproteins and saliva provide protection

The dense coats of fur that provide cats sleeping comfort and warmth during the cold might naturally play a role in their Chemtrails impregnability. The animals are also well-known for thorough grooming rituals, which include covering their entire bodies with a saliva rich in unique proteins that have been formed through posttranslational modification. Posttranslational modification has been noted by scientists as a calculated defense against infections caused by foreign substances, such as barium, sulfur, aluminum, cadmium. These four elements also happen to be the most commonly suspected components of Chemtrails.

2. Consumption of Chemtrails-poisoned birds has helped them develop immunity

Of all the creatures in the animal kingdom, avian species have the most immediate contact with Chemtrail sprays. Numerous reports have noted that certain species are dying off in a Silent Spring-type of scenario. As felines consume a great deal of birds, it would only stand to reason that they would be exposed to the post-digestive acids of these pollutants. As such, there is a great possibility that eating so many colonic acids would help their own immune systems adapt to the poisons. This is not the case for humans, however, as most of the chicken and duck that we eat is from the farm and not exposed to higher altitude air.

Continue reading at HardDawn.com . . .

World of Batshit: Moon Loons

By CoolHardLogic via YouTube

Part two in a series examining some of the most ridiculous claims. In this part, we look at a channel claiming (among other things) that the Moon is a hologram.

The Ultimate Conspiracy Debunker

Via YouTube

Most Conspiracy Theories are stupid. By the power of the internet they spread like wildfire and often poison discussions. But there is hope – we developed a way to debunk conspiracies in just a few seconds…

World of Batshit – #4: Fake Planets

By CoolHardLogic via YouTube

Part four in a series examining some of the most ridiculous claims. In this part, we look at a channel claiming (among other things) that the planets don’t exist.

Report: Jade Helm Responsible for Texas Floods

By via Nevada County Scooper

Houston, TX — As more than 11 inches of rain fell in some spots of Houston overnight into Tuesday,  inundating byways and highways, slowing first responders, knocking out power and generally bringing the southeast Texas metropolis to a standstill, The Nevada County Scooper has learned that operation Jade Helm 15 has largely been responsible for the deluges. Although the military takeover of largely defiant Southern and Southwestern states hasn’t officially started yet, military insiders tell the Scooper that Texas flooding is was done to “soften the resistance to ‘Federal Forces’ and make the ‘resistive States more “amenable” to the guiding hand of the Federal Government’.”
GREG-ABBOTT“It was clear that the people of Texas were not going to cooperate and submit to the will of President Obama,” commented Jade Helm Lieutenant Colonel Jason “Jake” Jakeheart. “So we sent in the floods using this Chemtrail technology tested and developed by the eggheads at Beale Air Force base. They sprayed the skies for two weeks and it produced these rains.”

The Jade Helm Chemtrail program, also known as PC-GE234 or “Operational In-Order” has been deemed a tremendous success by military planners and by all accounts, has exceeded expectations.

“I mean, the proof is in the results,” continued  Lieutenant Colonel Jake. “We had the Texas Governor calling their National Guard to ‘monitor’ Jade Helm’s activities a few weeks ago. Now the Governor is calling the President for help with the floods. I’d say that’s the kind of submission and obedience we’re looking for before the great calamity arrives in October.”

According to people in the know, which includes mostly insane people, Operation Jade Helm’s purpose is to  .  .  .

Continue Reading – – –

Conspiracists are going to lose their s**t when they see this new Paris skyscraper!

By Mason I. Bilderberg

For the past 42 years Paris had a ban on the construction of any new tall buildings in their city. But the Paris city council has now announced they have approved the design and construction of a new skyscraper called the Triangle Tower!

Here is what it looks like:

Tour-Triangle

The illuminati strikes again!!! LOL!

Illuminati 12590399_200px_200px I honestly thought this was a joke when i first saw the story, but i’ve checked all around and this seems to be the real deal.

Forward this to your favorite conspiracist and watch them lose their s**t! LOL! I’m dying!🙂

MIB

Read all about the new Paris skyscraper and see more pictures:

Google University Diploma

Here is your chance to give your favorite conspiracist his/her very own Google University diploma! Simply fill their name in on the solid line and it’s ready for presentation!

Right-click and “save as” to download. Have fun🙂

Google University LG

Building Muscle w/ Bob: Back Edition

Don’t give up on this video. Watch it and listen closely, i think you’ll get a laugh out of it🙂

Source: Building Muscle w/ Bob: Back Edition – YouTube

The illuminati takes down websites!

illuminati shutting down websites_400px

Neurotology Music Video

By Saturday Night Live via YouTube

Followers of Neurotology star in a music video that sings the religion’s praises in this Scientology parody.

For lyrics and more information: Saturday Night Live’s genius spoof of Scientology: Lyrics and images (Tony Ortega)

A Message for the Anti-Vaccine Movement

By Jimmy Kimmel Live via YouTube

Jimmy feels that all of this anti-vaccination silliness is starting to snowball, so he invited some real doctors to address it. These are actual medical professionals so hear them out and then decide for yourself.

Happy New Year! (Alex Jones Style)

Party Like It’s A Nuclear War !!!

By Mason I. Bilderberg (MIB)
(Originally posted December 31, 2013.)

Who is old enough to remember Y2K? I remember it well (translation: i’m old).

y2k1Y2K is an acronym for “Year 2000,” or, as it was also known – “The Year 2000 problem, the Y2K problem, the Millennium bug, the Y2K bug, or simply Y2K.” (source) It was the moment when the clocks struck 12:00 AM on Janury 1, 2000 and how it might affect every aspect of our lives. Why?

The year 2000 was a problem for many computers because many computer programs stored years using only the last two digits of the year; for example, 1980 was stored as “80”, the year 1999 was stored as “99” and the year 2000 would be stored as “00”.

Do you see the problem? Not only did such systems view the year 2000 as “00”, but they also viewed the year 1900 as “00”. Imagine what would happen to half your programs if your computer suddenly thought the current year (2013) was actually the year 1913. Your calendar program, your watch, your smart phone and many other programs we rely on would suddenly be all wacked out. Imagine what would happen to the banking system if this glitch occurred. Would you be able to access your money? Would all your checks suddenly bounce? (On the other hand, maybe the banks would suddenly give us 100 years of accrued interest. But i digress …)

Now imagine if such a glitch were to occur in bigger systems like nuclear electric plants and nuclear weapons? What might go wrong? This is what had a lot of people in a near state of panic.

Would telephone systems shutdown? Would the electric grid turn off across the country – plunging all of us into darkness for an indeterminant amount of time? Would trains run on schedule? Would the air traffic control system lose control? Would our nuclear arsenal behave in some unpredicted manner and cause WWIII? Would the nuclear arsenal in some other country malfunction and bomb us?

It seemed nobody knew for sure what would – or would not – happen. People were concerned and scared.

Enter my favorite moron – Alex Jones.

AlexJonesLunaticOn New Year’s Eve 1999, the night the clocks were due to change over to the year 2000, The Alex Jones show engaged in some of the most negligent, egregious and irresponsible scare mongering ever. I don’t know of a worse case than this.

In the 3 hours Jones was on the air, he made every conceivable claim of catastrophe imaginable. He took everything people were fearing about Y2K and he claimed those fears were materializing. Everything from cash machines failing, nuclear power plants shutting down, concentration camps (with shackles) being readied, empty grocery store shelves, gas stations out of gas, Martial Law declared, the military serving search warrants in 77 Texas counties – to an actual nuclear missile attack!!!!!!!!

And did any of this actually occur? No. None of it. People were so frightened they reportedly headed for the hills (literally) and got physically sick.

alex-jones_200pxWhat you are about to hear is approximately 30 minutes of the Alex Jones Show audio from that night. This audio from the Alex Jones Show was part of a radio show broadcast by William (Bill) Cooper on approximately January 4, 2000. Bill Cooper himself was a conspiracy theorist, but even he was disgusted by the antics of Alex Jones and he called him out.

Bill Cooper’s original broadcast was 3 hours long. In the Alex Jones recording i present below, except for the opening 30 seconds, i have edited out all of Bill Cooper’s narratives so you can hear Alex Jones uninterrupted in all his despicable glory.

As i was going through the audio, i noticed breaks in the Alex Jones audio that i assume were done by Bill Cooper’s editing team in preparation for broadcast. Where ever i believed there was an edit i added a half-second “beep” sound. This is to help avoid confusion as the conversation would sometimes abruptly change topics. So listen for the beeps (you can’t miss them).

Below the audio you will find a complete transcript of notes i made of what to expect in the audio. This will help you follow along. Where ever you see the word “Regurgitation,” that is my own shorthand to indicate it is a previously mentioned point being repeated by Jones – a tactic he uses to give the impression he has a pile of information. Any words [inside brackets] are commentaries i made for myself.

Believe me, this is an audio clip Alex Jones wishes would go away.

Enjoy!

🙂

Mason I. Bilderberg.

P.S. If anybody knows where i can find a copy of the full 3 hour Alex Jones Show from 12/31/1999 please let me know.

P.P.S. I apologize in advance for any spelling errors.


Alex Jones Y2K (30 minutes):

Transcript/Notes:

  • 0:00 Bill Cooper sets up the scene.
  • 0:27 Cash machines are failing in Britain and other European countries
  • 0:32 Finding large amounts of explosives in France
  • 1:03 More wars then in the last 50 years is going on right now
  • Russian Hinds Helicopter

    Russian Hinds Helicopter

    1:07 The war in chechnya is raging with hundreds of thousands dying

  • 1:13 20,000 to 40,000 civilians trapped in the city [presumably chechnya]
  • 1:16 Russian Hinds (Helicopter) are being shot down, tanks are being blown to bits
  • 1:20 Massive Grad unguided rocket attacks are being launched from the city
  • 1:26 Air and artillery bombardments [presumably chechnya]
  • 1:39 Pennsylvania nuclear plant (Limerick Generating Station) has been shut down [implied because of Y2K-related problems. Not true. The Nuclear Regulatory Commission (NRC) findings are contained in the image, below]
  • 1:49 The shelves (In TX) are empty of water and gas stations are running out of fuel
  • 1:50 In Minneapolis and Texas the shortwave (radio) is down
  • 2:50 The Pennsylvania nuclear plant and (now) 4 other nuclear plants were having Y2K-related problems [See 3:04 mark]
  • 3:12 The government in Washington D.C. has set up a $50M command bunker that is hooked into FEMA and they can take over all the shortwave (radio), AM/FM radio stations and all television and other broadcast stations
  • 3:34 The police and military [presumably nationwide] are on high alert
  • 3:41 The military are highly visible [presumably in the streets]
  • 3:45 Trains of military equipment moving into Austin, TX
  • 3:53 The airport (Robert Mueller Airport) will be used as a massive holding facility [ala concentration camps]
  • 4:03 Vladimir Putin is a demon
  • A Topol-M mobile launcher.

    A Topol-M mobile launcher.

    4:12 Now 6 to 7 (nuclear) reactors having Y2K related problems [Not true]

  • 4:50 Globalist Forces are gearing up to clamp down on America, Russia and the world
  • 5:08 America is gearing up and bracing for terrorism and militarizing everything in front of us.
  • 5:19 The Russians have deployed Topol-M “first strike” missiles across Russia while (Boris) Yeltsin (Russian President) has been openly threatening to nuke us [See the 5:44 mark].
  • 6:00 They (Russia) have deployed their missiles and submarines against us (America).
  • 6:09 Vladimir Putin, who just took over as Russian President, has “taken the codes off” Russia’s nuclear arsenal. (The Russian nuclear arsenal no longer requires a secret code to initiate a nuclear missile attack on America.)
  • 6:25 Discussing America being hit with a nuclear first-strike and the ensuing annihilation.
  • 7:27 Regurgitation: Pennsylvania Electric Company (PECO), Limerick Generating Station (here and here) was shutdown [presumably because of Y2K-related problems. Not true. The Nuclear Regulatory Commission (NRC) findings are contained in the image, below].
  • 7:38 Doesn’t challenge a caller paraphrasing (Colonel) Bo Gritz who said, that Russia said, if their (Russia) power goes out they will blame us and they (Russia) would set off their nuclear arsenal.
  • 8:01 The Russians are threatening to nuke us every, single week.
  • out of gas_250px8:25 Currencies around the world are plunging
  • 8:39 Gas stations in America are out of gas
  • 8:58 American’s are standing up as Russia threatens to attack us with nuclear weapons
  • 9:02 Nuclear power plants are being shutdown
  • 9:07 The military is “running around” with the police and the FBI saying terrorism is imminent [the takeover is beginning]
  • 9:25 “They” have activated a powerful, cold war, radar system in the north pole region [presumably to keep an eye out for a Russian ICBM attack] that is affecting shortwave (radio)
  • 9:46 Military traffic is EVERYWHERE
  • 9:52 Regurgitation: Super power, cold war radar systems (presumably to keep an eye out for a Russian ICBM attack) and nuclear systems are up.
  • 10:07 Fresno (California?) is blacked out, he (Jones) is off the internet
  • 10:25 [Scare tactic, Survivalist Commercial]
  • 11:03 “America is under siege right now.”
  • 11:14 Regurgitation: Pennsylvania nuclear power plant shutdown
  • 11:33 Egypt is having a run on the banks
  • 11:45 Regurgitation: The power in Fresno (California?) is down, he is off the internet
  • 11:50 Regurgitation: Cash machines and ATMs in Europe are having problems
  • 12:03 Martial Law signs are posted on highway 65 in Arkansas by the Arkansas Transportation Department
  • 12:52 Regurgitation: In Austin, TX they have announced it is a concentration camp at Robert Mueller Airport

    APC_250px

    Armored Personnel Carrier

  • 13:09 At Fort Hood giant, long lines of trains with flat cars loaded with APCs (Armored Personnel Carriers) and LAVs (Light Armored Vehicles)
  • 13:33 They (Fort Hood) have flat bed trailers, large cattle trailer-types (think concentration camps)
  • 14:17 A power plant in michigan is prepared to shutdown when “given the order.”
  • 15:01 If you don’t have a supply of potassium iodide, now is the time to get your supply of potassium iodide in case of a russian nuclear attack.
  • 15:18 Regurgitation: The Russians have been publicly threatening to nuke us and they’ve been deploying their missiles against us.
  • 15:33 We will not survive a nuclear first strike
  • 15:58 Regurgitation: Austin (TX) is out of water and gas
  • 16:03 Regurgitation: The city of Fresno (California?) is blacked out
  • 16:18 Russia and China are now threatening to nuke us
  • 16:42 Discussing how the Russians have been building the biggest bunker ever known to man
  • 17:16 Our (America’s) designated nuclear fallout shelters are parking garages so “they” can move in later to pull out all the rotten skeletons after “they” emerge from “their” shelters.
  • 17:57 Regurgitation: Pennsylvania nuclear power plant shutdown
  • 18:12 Regurgitation: Nuclear power plant problems in PA (Pennsylvania), shutdowns (?), power outages in Fresno (California?)
  • 18:40 Regurgitation: Russia and China have been threatening to nuke us.
  • 18:58 Regurgitation: The Russians deployed their Topol-M “first strike” missiles 2.5 weeks ago.
  • 19:09 The head of the Russian missiles systems, a top general, has been threatening to nuke us and he reserves first strike authority to attack us – even though they have no reason to attack us.
  • 19:25 A power plant has been blown up in Oregon [Not true]
  • 19:36 “Clinton has pulled it.” (????)
  • x

    Robert Mueller Airport
    (concentration camp)

    20:26 Massive Y2K problems being reported across the globe.

  • 20:55 Regurgitation: In Austin, TX Robert Mueller Airport, the local news was showing off the “detainment facilities.” [i.e. concentration camps]
  • 21:15 The local news showed the barbed wired fences inside the Robert Mueller Airport facility.
  • 21:18 There are “shackles on the ground, concreted into the ground” at Robert Mueller Airport – like a slave galley.
  • 21:42 New Zealand is having power outages
  • 21:57 Regurgitation: Pennsylvania nuclear power plant shutdown
  • 22:33 Regurgitation: Vladimir Putin threatens to nuke us
  • 22:50 Regurgitation: Pennsylvania nuclear power plant shutdown
  • 22:55 The power is off in 8 different areas across the country
  • 22:58 A lot of cable systems aren’t working
  • 23:01 Satellites are down
  • 23:09 “Minor fault (???) struck two nuclear power plants in Japan just seconds after the clock ticked into 2000 …”
  • 23:25 Anybody near a nuclear power plant should pack up and go someplace else.
  • 23:37 The store shelves are bare in Austin, TX.
  • 23:43 Regurgitation: Gas is running out.
  • 23:44 They’re announcing on the news that, “if you’re bad they’re going to put you in a … they’re going to bolt you to a pipe coming out of the ground at the airport (Robert Mueller Airport) in some cold hangar.”
  • 24:04 “The military is serving search warrants now in 77 Texas counties.”
  • 24:08 Regurgitation: “We got nuclear power plants shutting down.”
  • 24:20 Regurgitation: The Russians are threatening to nuke us RIGHT NOW.
  • 24:40 Regurgitation: “Well, they got the Armored Personnel Carriers (APCs) and LAVs (Light Armored Vehicles) loading on the flat cars out of Fort Hood.”
  • the end is near_300px25:06 There are currently nuclear missiles being launched.
  • 25:15 ABC (news) just had a special news bulletin – a military General standing in front of Cheyenne Mountain (nuclear bunker) announced 5 nuclear missiles have been launched.
  • 25:44 The general refused to say what kind of missiles, where they were coming from or where they were going.
  • 25:58 This secrecy is just like when the special operations training that was conducted with the Russians in south TX when they burned buildings and laying siege to towns [never happend]
  • 26:44 Jones’ co-host: “You elect me to president and i will nuke them (Russians) first, i’ll push the button as soon as i take the oath … i’m opening up that football and start launching, man.”
  • 26:55 Regurgitation: The Russians have been threatening to nuke us, they reserve the first strike right to hit us for no reason and Clinton said he will absorb the first strike by the Russians.
  • 27:06 Jones’ co-host: Hopes one of those 5 incoming nuclear missiles is headed towards Clinton.
  • 27:12 Regurgitation: a military General standing in front of Cheyenne Mountain (nuclear bunker) announced 5 nuclear missiles have been launched.
  • 27:39 Jones complains that the television network went to a commercial break after announcing 5 nuclear missiles have been launched.
  • 27:53 A NORAD commander was on the news. “Space Command” (Air Force Space Command) is now running everything.
  • 28:20 The perceived enemy is “obviously” the American people.
  • 28:36 Regurgitation: It’s on ABC news that 5 nuclear missiles have been launched.
  • boom28:57 The night before (12/30/99), anything and everything on the flight line at Selfridge Air National Guard Base was put into the air and was constantly in the air. [i.e. The U.S. is preparing for a nuclear attack]
  • 29:11 Regurgitation: Super power, cold war radar systems [presumably to keep an eye out for a Russian ICBM attack] are turned on.
  • 29:21 The Russians are not the only ones we need to be concerned about … we should worry about the Chinese too.
  • 20:24 We also need to be worried about Germany.
  • 29:58 Regurgitation: It’s on ABC news that 5 nuclear missiles have been launched.
  • 30:03 Regurgitation: a military General standing in front of Cheyenne Mountain (nuclear bunker) announced 5 nuclear missiles have been launched.
  • 30:25 Jones complains, “we’re calmly sitting here knowing nuclear missiles could be about to rain down!”
  • 30:42 Discussing “Who launched?” Was it the U.S., a ballistics submarine? . . .
  • 30:54 Jones’ co-host: “No offense, but I hope it was us who launched.”
  • 31:19 Vladimir Putin is the Fuhrer.
Click image for larger view

The February 7, 2000 Nuclear Regulatory Commission (NRC) report shows the “unusual event” was terminated less than 3 hours after the initial declaration at 1:11 am. The event was NOT Y2K related.
Click image for larger view

Keywords: Apocalypse, Bermuda Triangle, ChemTrails, Climate Change, Comedy, Conspiracy, David Icke, Deepak Chopra, Demons, Disinformation, Doomsday, ESP, False Flag, FEMA Camps, Fraud, God, Hoax, Metaphysics, Moon Landing, Moron, New World Order, Organic, Paranoid, Seance, Secret Societies, Story Telling, Stunt. Tagged: Alex Jones, Alex Jones Show, Bill Cooper, Jones, Martial Law, nuclear power plant, nuclear power plants, nuclear weapons, United States, Year 2000, youtube

World of Batshit: Moon Loons

By CoolHardLogic via YouTube

Part two in a series examining some of the most ridiculous claims. In this part, we look at a channel claiming (among other things) that the Moon is a hologram.

World of Batshit – #3: Chemtrailer Trash

Though a bit lengthy (23 minutes) i found this video really entertaining and full of good information.

One caution: There is some occasional use of adult language and humor.

Enjoy 🙂

MIB


By CoolHardLogic via YouTube

Proving the Illuminati is Real!

By nigahiga via YouTube

To all you crazy conspiracy theorist out there: You can stop now. It’s been proven…

Lightning Strikes Twice . . . or not.

quick note_150pxBefore i forget …

I was shown this video today and was asked to give my input.

The video purports to show a person being struck by lightning not just once, but twice! … and the person walks away. Bad karma or something else?

The first strike occurs about 25 seconds into the video. Take a look, my conclusion below.

What do you think? I took a frame by frame look at the video and declared it a fake. Why? Below are two frames from the video. The frame on the left is the frame just before the lightning strike. Outlined in yellow are the shadows of the cars. The frame on the right is the first lightning strike.

Note the shadows on the left continue to appear in the frame on the right when the lightning is allegedly striking this person. If you look REALLY close you’ll see many other shadows seen on the left (i.e. on the trees) are seen in the frames where there is lightning. Not gonna happen folks. That lightning bolt would have obliterated all those shadows that appear on the left.

Lightning Strike

My guess is, it’s either a staged fake or this a drunk person stumbling on a surveillance  camera and somebody had some fun with the footage.

🙂

Mason I. Bilderberg (MIB)

You Just Have Internet Access

you're not

Jim Carrey’s Secret Illuminati Hand Signal

Video by Jimmy Kimmel Live via YouTube

Description via inquisitr:

Funnyman Jim Carrey stopped by Jimmy Kimmel Live last night to promote his new movie Dumb and Dumber To. However, it seemed Carrey had other plans as he greeted the audience with the infamous Illuminati triangle (you know, the one that Jay Z throws up?) but with his tongue sticking out the center.

Carrey revealed that he was “sick and tired of the lies” and stated that it was the “all-mocking tongue” of the Illuminati.

Somewhat satirical, Carrey explained to the audience – “People on TV have been hired by the government to throw you off track, to distract you, to make you laugh and make you happy and docile so you don’t know what’s really going on. ”

Midst his rant, Carrey answered his phone (which was apparently a call from the Illuminati), and when he returned to speaking to Kimmel, his voice was robotic and droll.

The now “controlled” Carrey no longer wanted to expose the Illuminati, but to inform Kimmel and the audience about his new “iPhone 6plus” and the release of Dumb and Dumber To this weekend.

Monster Energy Drinks Are Satanic!!!!!!!

I won’t even try to write an intro. There’s nothing i can say. Just watch. icon_rolleyes

Adam West and Burt Ward in Batman.

Added 11/13/14: snopes.com: Monster 666 (snopes.com)

A Convoy of Conspiracies!

By Mason I. Bilderberg

quick note_150pxBefore i forget …

This is a video i recently saw on a facebook webpage.

The video shows a large convoy of tractor trailer trucks traveling on Virginia’s Interstate 64 being escorted by State Troopers. Take a look:

As i watched the video i couldn’t think of why these trucks would be driving in such a formation (I’ve included the answer at the bottom of this post). I didn’t think much of it, really. Most people didn’t think much of it. That’s because when most people don’t know who, what, where, why or when, they simply say “I don’t know.” But not conspiracists …

When confronted with an unknown, conspiracists immediately fill their information void with something they want to believe (usually some kind of apocalyptic plan by lizard people to starve, kill, destroy and otherwise control earth people). It’s this ability by conspiracists to build a confirmation bias echo chamber out of absolutely nothing that i find really, really entertaining.

So now, for your entertainment, here are just a few of the comments i found associated with this video. Enjoy the lunacy.

FB quotes 03

So what is reality? Why were these trucks being escorted down a highway in Virginia? Read the government’s “cover story” here courtesy snopes.com.

Mason I. Bilderberg (MIB)

Chemtrail Crazy Shirt

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The Man Who Tricked Chemtrails Conspiracy Theorists

By Michael Allen via VICE United States

caption

Some airplane condensation trails, which conspiracy theorists believe are “chemtrails.”

The chemtrails conspiracy theory has been circulating for a while among the same sorts of people who believe that 9/11 was an inside job and celebrities are being controlled by the CIA. In brief, chemtrail enthusiasts think that those white trails of vapor you see pouring out of planes are actually nasty chemical or biological agents that governments are using to geo-engineer the weather, create a vast electromagnetic super-weapon, control the population, or—well, you get the idea. There’s no science or proof whatsoever behind this, but plenty of people are still willing to entertain this vaguely supervillain-esque notion.

Chris Bovey in Argentina

Chris Bovey in Argentina

On October 1, Chris Bovey—a 41-year-old from Devon, England—thought he’d troll the chemtrails camp. During a flight from Buenos Aires to the UK, his plane had to make an emergency landing in São Paulo and dumped excess fuel to lighten the load. Since he had a window seat, Chris decided to film all the liquid being sprayed out of the wing next to him.

Touching down, he uploaded the video with a caption that suggested it could be evidence of chemtrails, hoping to mess with a couple of friends who he knew might fall for it. The video now has 1.1 million views, nearly 20,000 shares, and dozens of comments telling viewers to “wake the F up,” or accusing naysayers of being “stupid paid shills.”

He then claimed (falsely) that he’d been detained at Heathrow upon arrival, been interrogated by the authorities, and had his phone confiscated. That riled everyone up even more, with “conspiraloon” (Chris’s term) website NeonNettle.com picking up the story and reporting it as evidence of chemtrails.

The video Chris filmed from his seat:

MORE – – –

Alex Jones Y2K

Originally posted December 31, 2013:

Party Like It’s A Nuclear War !!!

By Mason I. Bilderberg (MIB)

Who is old enough to remember Y2K? I remember it well (translation: i’m old).

y2k1Y2K is an acronym for “Year 2000,” or, as it was also known – “The Year 2000 problem, the Y2K problem, the Millennium bug, the Y2K bug, or simply Y2K.” (source) It was the moment when the clocks struck 12:00 AM on Janury 1, 2000 and how it might affect every aspect of our lives. Why?

The year 2000 was a problem for many computers because many computer programs stored years using only the last two digits of the year; for example, 1980 was stored as “80”, the year 1999 was stored as “99” and the year 2000 would be stored as “00”.

Do you see the problem? Not only did such systems view the year 2000 as “00”, but they also viewed the year 1900 as “00”. Imagine what would happen to half your programs if your computer suddenly thought the current year (2013) was actually the year 1913. Your calendar program, your watch, your smart phone and many other programs we rely on would suddenly be all wacked out. Imagine what would happen to the banking system if this glitch occurred. Would you be able to access your money? Would all your checks suddenly bounce? (On the other hand, maybe the banks would suddenly give us 100 years of accrued interest. But i digress …)

Now imagine if such a glitch were to occur in bigger systems like nuclear electric plants and nuclear weapons? What might go wrong? This is what had a lot of people in a near state of panic.

Would telephone systems shutdown? Would the electric grid turn off across the country – plunging all of us into darkness for an indeterminant amount of time? Would trains run on schedule? Would the air traffic control system lose control? Would our nuclear arsenal behave in some unpredicted manner and cause WWIII? Would the nuclear arsenal in some other country malfunction and bomb us?

It seemed nobody knew for sure what would – or would not – happen. People were concerned and scared.

Enter my favorite moron – Alex Jones.

AlexJonesLunaticOn New Year’s Eve 1999, the night the clocks were due to change over to the year 2000, The Alex Jones show engaged in some of the most negligent, egregious and irresponsible scare mongering ever. I don’t know of a worse case than this.

In the 3 hours Jones was on the air, he made every conceivable claim of catastrophe imaginable. He took everything people were fearing about Y2K and he claimed those fears were materializing. Everything from cash machines failing, nuclear power plants shutting down, concentration camps (with shackles) being readied, empty grocery store shelves, gas stations out of gas, Martial Law declared, the military serving search warrants in 77 Texas counties – to an actual nuclear missile attack!!!!!!!!

And did any of this actually occur? No. None of it. People were so frightened they reportedly headed for the hills (literally) and got physically sick.

alex-jones_200pxWhat you are about to hear is approximately 30 minutes of the Alex Jones Show audio from that night. This audio from the Alex Jones Show was part of a radio show broadcast by William (Bill) Cooper on approximately January 4, 2000. Bill Cooper himself was a conspiracy theorist, but even he was disgusted by the antics of Alex Jones and he called him out.

Bill Cooper’s original broadcast was 3 hours long. In the Alex Jones recording i present below, except for the opening 30 seconds, i have edited out all of Bill Cooper’s narratives so you can hear Alex Jones uninterrupted in all his despicable glory.

As i was going through the audio, i noticed breaks in the Alex Jones audio that i assume were done by Bill Cooper’s editing team in preparation for broadcast. Where ever i believed there was an edit i added a half-second “beep” sound. This is to help avoid confusion as the conversation would sometimes abruptly change topics. So listen for the beeps (you can’t miss them).

Below the audio you will find a complete transcript of notes i made of what to expect in the audio. This will help you follow along. Where ever you see the word “Regurgitation,” that is my own shorthand to indicate it is a previously mentioned point being repeated by Jones – a tactic he uses to give the impression he has a pile of information. Any words [inside brackets] are commentaries i made for myself.

Believe me, this is an audio clip Alex Jones wishes would go away.

Enjoy!

🙂

Mason I. Bilderberg.

P.S. If anybody knows where i can find a copy of the full 3 hour Alex Jones Show from 12/31/1999 please let me know.

P.P.S. I apologize in advance for any spelling errors.


Alex Jones Y2K (30 minutes):

Transcript/Notes:

  • 0:00 Bill Cooper sets up the scene.
  • 0:27 Cash machines are failing in Britain and other European countries
  • 0:32 Finding large amounts of explosives in France
  • 1:03 More wars then in the last 50 years is going on right now
  • Russian Hinds Helicopter

    Russian Hinds Helicopter

    1:07 The war in chechnya is raging with hundreds of thousands dying

  • 1:13 20,000 to 40,000 civilians trapped in the city [presumably chechnya]
  • 1:16 Russian Hinds (Helicopter) are being shot down, tanks are being blown to bits
  • 1:20 Massive Grad unguided rocket attacks are being launched from the city
  • 1:26 Air and artillery bombardments [presumably chechnya]
  • 1:39 Pennsylvania nuclear plant (Limerick Generating Station) has been shut down [implied because of Y2K-related problems. Not true. The Nuclear Regulatory Commission (NRC) findings are contained in the image, below]
  • 1:49 The shelves (In TX) are empty of water and gas stations are running out of fuel
  • 1:50 In Minneapolis and Texas the shortwave (radio) is down
  • 2:50 The Pennsylvania nuclear plant and (now) 4 other nuclear plants were having Y2K-related problems [See 3:04 mark]
  • 3:12 The government in Washington D.C. has set up a $50M command bunker that is hooked into FEMA and they can take over all the shortwave (radio), AM/FM radio stations and all television and other broadcast stations
  • 3:34 The police and military [presumably nationwide] are on high alert
  • 3:41 The military are highly visible [presumably in the streets]
  • 3:45 Trains of military equipment moving into Austin, TX
  • 3:53 The airport (Robert Mueller Airport) will be used as a massive holding facility [ala concentration camps]
  • 4:03 Vladimir Putin is a demon
  • A Topol-M mobile launcher.

    A Topol-M mobile launcher.

    4:12 Now 6 to 7 (nuclear) reactors having Y2K related problems [Not true]

  • 4:50 Globalist Forces are gearing up to clamp down on America, Russia and the world
  • 5:08 America is gearing up and bracing for terrorism and militarizing everything in front of us.
  • 5:19 The Russians have deployed Topol-M “first strike” missiles across Russia while (Boris) Yeltsin (Russian President) has been openly threatening to nuke us [See the 5:44 mark].
  • 6:00 They (Russia) have deployed their missiles and submarines against us (America).
  • 6:09 Vladimir Putin, who just took over as Russian President, has “taken the codes off” Russia’s nuclear arsenal. (The Russian nuclear arsenal no longer requires a secret code to initiate a nuclear missile attack on America.)
  • 6:25 Discussing America being hit with a nuclear first-strike and the ensuing annihilation.
  • 7:27 Regurgitation: Pennsylvania Electric Company (PECO), Limerick Generating Station (here and here) was shutdown [presumably because of Y2K-related problems. Not true. The Nuclear Regulatory Commission (NRC) findings are contained in the image, below].
  • 7:38 Doesn’t challenge a caller paraphrasing (Colonel) Bo Gritz who said, that Russia said, if their (Russia) power goes out they will blame us and they (Russia) would set off their nuclear arsenal.
  • 8:01 The Russians are threatening to nuke us every, single week.
  • out of gas_250px8:25 Currencies around the world are plunging
  • 8:39 Gas stations in America are out of gas
  • 8:58 American’s are standing up as Russia threatens to attack us with nuclear weapons
  • 9:02 Nuclear power plants are being shutdown
  • 9:07 The military is “running around” with the police and the FBI saying terrorism is imminent [the takeover is beginning]
  • 9:25 “They” have activated a powerful, cold war, radar system in the north pole region [presumably to keep an eye out for a Russian ICBM attack] that is affecting shortwave (radio)
  • 9:46 Military traffic is EVERYWHERE
  • 9:52 Regurgitation: Super power, cold war radar systems (presumably to keep an eye out for a Russian ICBM attack) and nuclear systems are up.
  • 10:07 Fresno (California?) is blacked out, he (Jones) is off the internet
  • 10:25 [Scare tactic, Survivalist Commercial]
  • 11:03 “America is under siege right now.”
  • 11:14 Regurgitation: Pennsylvania nuclear power plant shutdown
  • 11:33 Egypt is having a run on the banks
  • 11:45 Regurgitation: The power in Fresno (California?) is down, he is off the internet
  • 11:50 Regurgitation: Cash machines and ATMs in Europe are having problems
  • 12:03 Martial Law signs are posted on highway 65 in Arkansas by the Arkansas Transportation Department
  • 12:52 Regurgitation: In Austin, TX they have announced it is a concentration camp at Robert Mueller Airport

    APC_250px

    Armored Personnel Carrier

  • 13:09 At Fort Hood giant, long lines of trains with flat cars loaded with APCs (Armored Personnel Carriers) and LAVs (Light Armored Vehicles)
  • 13:33 They (Fort Hood) have flat bed trailers, large cattle trailer-types (think concentration camps)
  • 14:17 A power plant in michigan is prepared to shutdown when “given the order.”
  • 15:01 If you don’t have a supply of potassium iodide, now is the time to get your supply of potassium iodide in case of a russian nuclear attack.
  • 15:18 Regurgitation: The Russians have been publicly threatening to nuke us and they’ve been deploying their missiles against us.
  • 15:33 We will not survive a nuclear first strike
  • 15:58 Regurgitation: Austin (TX) is out of water and gas
  • 16:03 Regurgitation: The city of Fresno (California?) is blacked out
  • 16:18 Russia and China are now threatening to nuke us
  • 16:42 Discussing how the Russians have been building the biggest bunker ever known to man
  • 17:16 Our (America’s) designated nuclear fallout shelters are parking garages so “they” can move in later to pull out all the rotten skeletons after “they” emerge from “their” shelters.
  • 17:57 Regurgitation: Pennsylvania nuclear power plant shutdown
  • 18:12 Regurgitation: Nuclear power plant problems in PA (Pennsylvania), shutdowns (?), power outages in Fresno (California?)
  • 18:40 Regurgitation: Russia and China have been threatening to nuke us.
  • 18:58 Regurgitation: The Russians deployed their Topol-M “first strike” missiles 2.5 weeks ago.
  • 19:09 The head of the Russian missiles systems, a top general, has been threatening to nuke us and he reserves first strike authority to attack us – even though they have no reason to attack us.
  • 19:25 A power plant has been blown up in Oregon [Not true]
  • 19:36 “Clinton has pulled it.” (????)
  • x

    Robert Mueller Airport
    (concentration camp)

    20:26 Massive Y2K problems being reported across the globe.

  • 20:55 Regurgitation: In Austin, TX Robert Mueller Airport, the local news was showing off the “detainment facilities.” [i.e. concentration camps]
  • 21:15 The local news showed the barbed wired fences inside the Robert Mueller Airport facility.
  • 21:18 There are “shackles on the ground, concreted into the ground” at Robert Mueller Airport – like a slave galley.
  • 21:42 New Zealand is having power outages
  • 21:57 Regurgitation: Pennsylvania nuclear power plant shutdown
  • 22:33 Regurgitation: Vladimir Putin threatens to nuke us
  • 22:50 Regurgitation: Pennsylvania nuclear power plant shutdown
  • 22:55 The power is off in 8 different areas across the country
  • 22:58 A lot of cable systems aren’t working
  • 23:01 Satellites are down
  • 23:09 “Minor fault (???) struck two nuclear power plants in Japan just seconds after the clock ticked into 2000 …”
  • 23:25 Anybody near a nuclear power plant should pack up and go someplace else.
  • 23:37 The store shelves are bare in Austin, TX.
  • 23:43 Regurgitation: Gas is running out.
  • 23:44 They’re announcing on the news that, “if you’re bad they’re going to put you in a … they’re going to bolt you to a pipe coming out of the ground at the airport (Robert Mueller Airport) in some cold hangar.”
  • 24:04 “The military is serving search warrants now in 77 Texas counties.”
  • 24:08 Regurgitation: “We got nuclear power plants shutting down.”
  • 24:20 Regurgitation: The Russians are threatening to nuke us RIGHT NOW.
  • 24:40 Regurgitation: “Well, they got the Armored Personnel Carriers (APCs) and LAVs (Light Armored Vehicles) loading on the flat cars out of Fort Hood.”
  • the end is near_300px25:06 There are currently nuclear missiles being launched.
  • 25:15 ABC (news) just had a special news bulletin – a military General standing in front of Cheyenne Mountain (nuclear bunker) announced 5 nuclear missiles have been launched.
  • 25:44 The general refused to say what kind of missiles, where they were coming from or where they were going.
  • 25:58 This secrecy is just like when the special operations training that was conducted with the Russians in south TX when they burned buildings and laying siege to towns [never happend]
  • 26:44 Jones’ co-host: “You elect me to president and i will nuke them (Russians) first, i’ll push the button as soon as i take the oath … i’m opening up that football and start launching, man.”
  • 26:55 Regurgitation: The Russians have been threatening to nuke us, they reserve the first strike right to hit us for no reason and Clinton said he will absorb the first strike by the Russians.
  • 27:06 Jones’ co-host: Hopes one of those 5 incoming nuclear missiles is headed towards Clinton.
  • 27:12 Regurgitation: a military General standing in front of Cheyenne Mountain (nuclear bunker) announced 5 nuclear missiles have been launched.
  • 27:39 Jones complains that the television network went to a commercial break after announcing 5 nuclear missiles have been launched.
  • 27:53 A NORAD commander was on the news. “Space Command” (Air Force Space Command) is now running everything.
  • 28:20 The perceived enemy is “obviously” the American people.
  • 28:36 Regurgitation: It’s on ABC news that 5 nuclear missiles have been launched.
  • boom28:57 The night before (12/30/99), anything and everything on the flight line at Selfridge Air National Guard Base was put into the air and was constantly in the air. [i.e. The U.S. is preparing for a nuclear attack]
  • 29:11 Regurgitation: Super power, cold war radar systems [presumably to keep an eye out for a Russian ICBM attack] are turned on.
  • 29:21 The Russians are not the only ones we need to be concerned about … we should worry about the Chinese too.
  • 20:24 We also need to be worried about Germany.
  • 29:58 Regurgitation: It’s on ABC news that 5 nuclear missiles have been launched.
  • 30:03 Regurgitation: a military General standing in front of Cheyenne Mountain (nuclear bunker) announced 5 nuclear missiles have been launched.
  • 30:25 Jones complains, “we’re calmly sitting here knowing nuclear missiles could be about to rain down!”
  • 30:42 Discussing “Who launched?” Was it the U.S., a ballistics submarine? . . .
  • 30:54 Jones’ co-host: “No offense, but I hope it was us who launched.”
  • 31:19 Vladimir Putin is the Fuhrer.
Click image for larger view

The February 7, 2000 Nuclear Regulatory Commission (NRC) report shows the “unusual event” was terminated less than 3 hours after the initial declaration at 1:11 am. The event was NOT Y2K related.
Click image for larger view

Keywords: Apocalypse, Bermuda Triangle, ChemTrails, Climate Change, Comedy, Conspiracy, David Icke, Deepak Chopra, Demons, Disinformation, Doomsday, ESP, False Flag, FEMA Camps, Fraud, God, Hoax, Metaphysics, Moon Landing, Moron, New World Order, Organic, Paranoid, Seance, Secret Societies, Story Telling, Stunt. Tagged: Alex Jones, Alex Jones Show, Bill Cooper, Jones, Martial Law, nuclear power plant, nuclear power plants, nuclear weapons, United States, Year 2000, youtube

Undeniable Evidence: UFO Caught On Tape!!!!

ufo on tape_500px

Woman Accuses Postal Worker Of Stalking Her

paranoia 737_167pxHoly crap. This woman accuses a postal worker of stalking her! Here is the video she took of her confrontation with the poor guy.

Is this lady serious?

If she IS serious, this video shows how one wackadoo’s delusions can escalate into somebody getting hurt. What if she was prone to violence and she truly believed this poor guy was stalking her? She could have pulled out a weapon.

If i were this postal worker i would have put some space between myself and her delusion by closing the truck door. I certainly wouldn’t have turned my back on this nut job.

Leave your thoughts in the comments.🙂

MIB


via The Daily Caller and worldstarhiphop

Al Gore’s Global Warming and Climate Change Game!

Click for larger view.

Click for larger view.

Exclusive “Weird Al” Yankovic Music Video: FOIL Parody of “Royals” by Lorde

Just hang in until the 1:15 minute mark. You WON’T be disappointed. Trust me.

🙂

MIB


via CollegeHumor – YouTube

We partnered with “Weird Al” to create this music video for his new album, “Mandatory Fun.” Also featuring Patton Oswalt, Tom Lennon, and Robert Ben Garant.

“Weird Al” Yankovic’s new album Mandatory Fun out now: http://smarturl.it/MandatoryFun

Hillary Clinton Ad Placement a Conspiracy?

I just happened to be perusing the  latest edition of the National Enquirer (it just happened to be lying around my house) when i came across this story about Hillary Clinton’s “Deadly Health Secrets.”

As i was reading the story i glimpsed the picture of Hillary lying face-down on the floor at the bottom of some stairs and i thought to myself … wait, what? A picture of Hillary lying face-down at the bottom of some stairs?!? I had to do a double take! Even the colors of the shirt and hair are similar!!!! (Sneak a peek at the image below)

After i stopped laughing out loud at the obvious blunder of this ad placement, i thought to myself, “how long before some conspiracist accuses the National Enquirer of using subliminal messaging for some kind of nefarious plot?”

What kind of plot? I don’t have any idea – they’ll create something. But if Hillary EVER slips down some stairs we’ll never hear the end of this coincidence.

Anyway, i thought this was hysterical so i made this image for reposting.

Enjoy your Friday evening🙂

Mason I. Bilderberg (MIB)

Hillary fallen_1000px

Right-click and “save as” to download the image. Then share everywhere.

Gluten Found in Portland’s Water Supply

Via The Daily Currant

Portland OreAuthorities in Portland, Ore. have discovered detectable levels of gluten in the city’s water supply, causing a citywide panic.

The city’s water bureau discovered the contamination yesterday and is desperately trying to find out how gluten got into the water. A preliminary report found that the contamination may have occurred “at least eight or nine months ago” when a child dropped a loaf of bread into a local river.

emergency State_225pxOfficials have declared a state of emergency and plan to drain all of the city’s reservoirs. The mayor has also deployed city’s spiritual and wellness counselors to provide relief to beleaguered residents who drank the gluten-contaminated water.

“I haven’t seen anything like this since the Tofu Crisis of ‘08, when we discovered that the Pacific Northwest’s entire supply of tofu had been prepared alongside bacon,” said city engineer Bryce Shivers. “I imagine we’re going to be seeing the disastrous effects of this on the city for decades, like higher rates of obesity, cancer, brain damage and illiteracy.

“Or whatever it is that gluten does. Frankly, I have no idea. My Hot Yoga guru just gave me a brochure.”

MORE – – –

The Illuminati Summer Newsletter

illuminati hand
By Will Stephen via The New Yorker

Dear Knights of the Brotherhood,

Illuminati 12590399_200px_200pxHowdy! I hope everyone’s summer is off to a swell start, and that, wherever this newsletter finds you, you are healthy, happy, and as intent as ever on clandestinely controlling every facet of global influence with the quiet and cruel fist of the élite.

It is an exciting time to be in the Illuminati! We have just welcomed a whole slew of wonderful new members into our family, all of whom look forward to meeting you at one of our bi-monthly meet-and-greets hosted by Rupert Murdoch, hitting the links for a round of golf on the recently reopened Clear Channel eighteen-hole course, or even just talking universal suppression of the common man over a highball in the newly refurbished NATO Oasis Lounge. And that’s just the beginning! So please do not hesitate to introduce yourself to our neophytes: Lupita Nyong’o, Ted Cruz, Michael Sam, Savannah Guthrie, and (yes, finally!) Blue Ivy Carter. Welcome, Fledgling Mercenaries of the New World Order!

iLLumiNuTTI blood puppet_250pxBut, first things first—I want to thank everyone for such a terrific turnout at our Viva La Revolución Fiesta Fundraiser back in March. I mean, wow! Go, team! With your help, we raised over 1.2 trillion dollars. Not too shabby! That money will go directly into bolstering bastions of religious influence in Latin America, pumping psychoactive carcinogens into domestic water supplies, and a long overdue paint job in the women’s locker room. Major props to Chuck Todd, Ludacris, and Prime Minister Shinzo Abe for putting in so much time and effort, as well as Jamba Juice and the Banco Central de Chile for making the night possible. You guys literally rule!

Now, August may feel far away, but trust me, enlightened few, Family Fun Night is just around the corner. Remember, this year’s theme is “proletariat fools,” so please tell your kids to start picking out their favorite naïve peon for the costume contest. First prize is two hundred dollars cash and a future ambassadorship.

MORE – – –

Alien Bumper Sticker

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Science -vs- Supernatural

SUPERNATURAL family feud SCIENCE

Clinical Paranoia

clinical paranoia

Frequency of Miracles

miracles

Breakfast of a Paranoid Conspiracy Theorist

conspiracy theorist breakfast

Pharmaceutical Industry Reeling As More Moms Making Vaccines At Home

Many mothers say they “just feel better” about giving their child a hepatitis A shot they made in the kitchen themselves.

Many mothers say they “just feel better” about giving their child a hepatitis A shot they made in the kitchen themselves.

NEW YORK—A wave of concern reportedly spread through the pharmaceutical industry this week as several major drug companies reported a dip in quarterly earnings, with experts placing the blame largely on the growing trend of mothers choosing to make vaccines for their children at home.

According to medical industry observers, the homemade inoculations, which are often assembled from scratch in kitchens or atop home craft tables, have become increasingly popular due to their low cost, their do-it-yourself appeal, and rising parental unease over the quality and origins of the ingredients in mass-produced immunizations.

“With some simple mail-order biochemical compounds and a little bit of elbow grease, mothers can now make and administer their own vaccines in the comfort of their own homes, saving themselves the expense and hassle of visiting a pediatrician,” said Deloitte senior business analyst Deborah Eisenson, who noted that the trend is spreading rapidly as more mothers post recipes and images of their handcrafted vaccines to Facebook and Pinterest. “In certain parts of the country, it has already become commonplace to see a continuous-flow centrifuge right there next to the microwave and the coffeemaker on the countertop.”

bllab6_250pxShe added, “More and more of today’s moms want to know exactly what’s going into their children’s bodies, so they’re learning how to generate antigens from a home-grown chicken embryo or bacterial culture and then inject the vaccine into their child’s arm or upper thigh tissue themselves.”

Sources confirmed that groups of mothers across the country confer daily in online forums to swap their favorite vaccine-production methods for pertussis, diphtheria, polio, and other viruses, often suggesting adding little touches to the suspending fluid—such as customized blends of chemical compounds and antibiotics—to make the vaccine their own. In blog posts, moms reportedly share tips on ingredient-sourcing, dosages, and how to keep inactive viruses from going bad in the fridge, as well as how to make vaccinations fun by getting their kids involved in the process of making them.

When interviewed, many mothers described quality time spent gathered around the kitchen table, with the whole family helping to grind recombinant proteins with mortars and pestles while a supervising adult helps purify the mixture through chromatography and ultrafiltration. Others reportedly do prep work ahead of time on Sundays so that during the week they can simply come home from work, stir in any necessary adjuvants or stabilizers, and have an inoculation ready to go.

In addition, YouTube has become a popular resource for mothers, who  .  .  .

MORE – – – (The Onion)

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Conspiracy University. First Day of Class.

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