Tag Archives: books

Congratulations! You’ve Been Invited to Join the Illuminati!

illuminati inviteVia CollegeHumor

Greetings, sir or madam,

An all-seeing eye atop a pyramid is supposedly a symbol for the secret society known as the Illuminati.Your current station in life has attracted the attention of the omnipotent rulers of the universe, us, the Illuminati. We would hereby like to invite you to join our order of infinite power. However, while we are inviting you, please realize turning down the “offer” is not possible. If you don’t join you will be sent to another dimension. A dimension where we have even more power and our invitations are even more threatening. We can do that.

You have undoubtedly heard whispers of our existence and deeds, but let us now reveal the true scope of our society. Every government power but one is under our command, and the one that isn’t is because we don’t want it. It can keep its banks, watches, and neutrality. We already have Switzerland.

The global economy is our plaything. Sometimes we flip a coin to determine whether or not coins should still have value. So far the world hasn’t had to deal with worthless coins, but statistically it’s only a matter of time before the arcade industry plummets. For you see, we can make any industry crumble at any given moment. You remember Beanie Babies, I’m sure. Due to us, they didn’t grow into Beanie Adults.

iLLumiNuTTI blood puppet_250pxMovies, books, music, television, Music Television. No form of entertainment goes out to the unenlightened (we call them the IllumiNOTi, but it really only works in print since it sounds exactly the same as the Illuminati, so don’t say it out loud because we’ll know if you do) without first passing by our very elaborate desks. Subliminal messages are placed in each form of media so our rule is cleverly obscured from the public. Sure, a few conspiracy theories leak out, but who do you think leaks those theories? Hmmmm?

Really, who do you think leaks those theories? Because it’s not us, and it could threaten our existence. If we wanted it to, that is.

As a member of the Illuminati, we will use you as a vessel to do our bidding, but the benefits are well worth the extreme manipulation. With the attached membership card and mini keychain version you now possess the right to:

  • Walk onto any crime scene for any reason.
  • Skip lines at participating theme parks.
  • Give people jury duty.
  • Visit Switzerland.
  • Rename a star in most galaxies.
  • Remove one word from the dictionary.
  • Pass Go and collect $200, even if a card says not to.
  • Void past promises.
  • Be excluded from the laws of physics for a weekend (must request in advance).
  • Plus several others!

illuminati hand
To acknowledge your acceptance of our mandatory invitation, please construct a rather large, rather golden pyramid on your front yard by tomorrow. If not constructed by tomorrow, we shall construct it for you, but we’d rather not have to do that. That’s time we could be spending on rigging middle school elections.

Be aware that if you attempt to show this letter to a member of the IllumiNOTi, its true message will be hidden. Instead it will appear to them as an invitation to your band’s next show at a local bar. Good luck then explaining to them how you don’t actually have a band and won’t be playing that night. So you see, you have no choice but to join.

We welcome you to the Illuminati and can’t wait to see you on a crime scene in the near future!

Yours omnipotently,

The Illuminati


[END CollegeHumor]

Video via iLLumiNuTTi.com:

Creating Your Own Pseudoscience

2011_quackery
via The Skeptic’s Dictionary – Skepdic.com

How to create your own pseudoscience:

pulver2_300px1. Appeal to something that most people fear or desire, things like suffering and death, or sex and longevity.

2. Make big promises about having scientific proof that you can relieve any physical illness or emotional pain, or that you can deliver “fantastic” sex or “help” people live for hundreds of years.

3. Use a lot of jargon and weasel words. Throw in words like “quantum” and “energy field” frequently. Make your product sound enormously complex, but couch all your promises with vague expressions like “may help.”

4. To ward off critics who might actually know something about science, lace your promotions with references to government and business conspiracies that are keeping the truth from the general public. Make sure you remind everybody that “science doesn’t know everything” and “science has been wrong before.”

5. Don’t be afraid to make stuff up and lie like a government leader. Even if you are prosecuted for fraud, you’ll just get a lot of valuable publicity for free. The odds of you being made to suffer by a big fine or jail term are near zero. If you do have to pay a fine, change the name of your product and start over again with a few tweaks here and there in your language. You can keep doing this forever, given the kinds of things our law enforcement agencies focus on. And don’t worry about the media investigating you and exposing you for a fraud. They won’t bother you until you’ve been arrested. Even then, they’ll just report that you’ve been charged with an “alleged” crime, which you will deny and turn in your favor by playing the persecution card.

6. Don’t be cheap. Charge an exorbitant amount of money for your product. The more you charge, the more likely people, especially government procurement officers, are going to think that your product is genuine.

quack-doctor7. The ideal pseudoscientific product should be a hand-held device that promises eternal life, perfect health (it should detect and cure all diseases), astounding sex (by enhancing your immune system and your personal energy flow), and can also detect bombs or golf balls with the flip of a switch.

8. Make sure you claim that you have discovered a “secret” that every other scientist in the history of the world has missed. If you’re feeling especially daring, claim to have discovered a new law of nature that has scared the scientific community into trying to silence you.

9. Lace your commercials with testimonials from athletes, washed-up celebrities, and psychics. If you can get Sylvia Browne on board, do so. She has written over twenty books that have made it to The New York Times bestseller list. She’ll be expensive, though, so if you can find someone who looks and sounds like her and will work for scale, do it.

10. Never forget that most people trust celebrities more than they trust scientists, physicians, or government agencies. Use this knowledge to your advantage.

11. Claim that the reason your work has not been published in peer-reviewed journals is because of a conspiracy to keep you silent or that the development of your product has taken all your time and money, so you haven’t had the time or been able to get the funding (because of the conspiracy) to do the studies.

MORE . . .

Randi $1,000,000 paranormal challenge

James Randi, a.k.a. The Amazing Randi, magician and author of numerous works skeptical of paranormal, supernatural, and pseudoscientific claims has for about ten years offered “a one-million-dollar prize to anyone who can show, under proper observing conditions, evidence of any paranormal, supernatural, or occult power.” His rules were little more than what any reasonable scientist would require. If you are a mental spoon bender, you couldn’t use your own spoons. If you claimed to see auras, you’d have to do so under controlled conditions. If you claimed to be able to do remote viewing, you wouldn’t be given credit for coming close in some vague way. If you were going to demonstrate dowsing powers, you would have to be prepared to be tested under controlled conditions. If you were going to do psychic surgery or experience the stigmata, you would have to do so with cameras watching your every move.

Continue: Randi $1,000,000 paranormal challenge – The Skeptic’s Dictionary – Skepdic.com.

Here is a video clip of Randi exposing Geller and Popoff from NOVA’s “Secrets of the Psychics”:

%d bloggers like this: